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Let Me Be Perfectly Queer: How you can be an ally

May 17 is the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia, so in honour of the event, our columnist on queer issues, Dr. Laur O’Gorman, describes ways you can support the LGBTQ+ people you know and even those you don’t
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In 2022, Laurentian University students helped repaint the walkway in the new symbol for 2SLGBTQ+ folks, featuring the new pride flag by Portland-based artist Daniel Quasar. The reboot is meant to be inclusive of queer people of color and trans people and features the colours pink, blue, and white for gender, and black and brown for people of colour.

May 17th is the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia. It is recognized in more than 130 countries, including 38 countries where it is illegal to be gay. It was created in 2004 to draw attention to the types of discrimination that people in the queer community are still facing everyday.

In this month’s Let me be Perfectly Queer, I want to tell you what homophobia, transphobia, and biphobia look like using examples from our own community. In sharing these experiences, I hope some of you will notice more of the queerphobia around you, and be more equipped to support your 2SLGBTQ+ friends, family, and the community.

Heterosexual Privilege

The word ‘privilege’ can be scary, but hear me out. Privilege does not mean that you had any unfair advantages, and having privilege in one area does not mean that you have all of the privileges. 

For instance, if you are heterosexual, your sexuality doesn’t make life easy for you; it just is not one of the things that makes your life more difficult. We all have areas in which we have privilege (for instance, I am white, I speak both official languages, and I was born in Canada) and areas where we do not (I haven’t always had enough food or money for dental care). 

Our lives are impacted by our gender and sexuality, but also by social class, education, health, body size, religion, and so much more. 

In the last five years, the idea of white privilege has entered everyday conversations. Black Lives Matter has done a fantastic job of talking about how racism can be overt, like someone yelling racist insults at a Black person. 

But it can also be less obvious; policies that are designed by and for white people can increase racial inequalities in ways we don’t see, like the wealth gap between white and Black families. They have also strongly advocated that while white people in Canada may not always have an easy life, the colour of our skin is not making life more difficult. 

For queer and trans folk, there are many ways that society is built that tells us that we are different. 

Overt Homophobia and Transphobia

When I talk about some of the more overt homophobia and transphobia that I have faced in my life, people are very supportive of me. For instance, a neighbour yelled a slur at me in front of my then-five-year-old daughter. 

Other parents who witnessed the event were quick to distract my daughter and provide me with support. I felt particularly vulnerable at that moment because I was with my child. I wanted so badly to shield her from the discrimination that I faced. Later, when my daughter asked what the word meant, I told her it holds water, like a dam. 

She was quite confused about why the neighbour thought I held water, but I think she was less upset than she would have been if she knew what they were actually saying to me. 

Last month, there were two incidents where people driving past Sudbury’s gay bar threw coffee and timbits at a group of queer people outside. I don’t think it needs to be said that throwing things at people is wrong, that hot coffee can burn, and most people do not condone this violence against the queer community. But there are also more subtle forms of discrimination that we face everyday that are sometimes dismissed by those around me. 

Microaggressions

Microaggressions are subtle forms of discrimination. They are not always intended as a slight, but they show negative attitudes or biases against queer and trans people. I think of this as death by a thousand papercuts or the straw that broke the camel's back. An individual straw is not heavy, but they are so common that the weight builds until it is overwhelming. 

One of the most obvious examples is trying to navigate public change rooms and washrooms as a non-binary person. I don’t feel safe using the men’s washroom in most spaces. I don’t look like a man. But I also don’t look like a woman. 

On a few occasions, just walking into the women’s washroom was enough to frighten women already inside. There is just a brief moment of fear before they take a second look at me, realize I am not a man, and the fear leaves their face. But I really don’t like causing any discomfort, so I tend to avoid places and events that don’t have single stall bathrooms or changerooms, such as restaurants, swimming pools and gyms.

I sometimes get asked questions about my family that include, “What does your husband do?“ This is despite the fact that I am what some people refer to as a “100-foot gay”; an inside joke suggesting that I look so gay that people can tell from 100 feet away. Still, there is the assumption that I am straight until it is proven otherwise, which you will see come up in many of these examples.

I have had to “come out“ as trans and as queer. Coming out, or disclosing our sexuality or gender identity, is often thought of as a one-time occurance that most queer folks go through in high school, but that is rarely the case. Everytime I introduce myself to someone new, start a new job, or join a new club or sport, I have to decide if it is safe to use any language that might identify me as queer or trans.

If I want to travel, I have to look up the laws in particular states or countries about which bathrooms are safe (or legal) for me to use. I have to find out if the country has any laws that could lead to me or my friends being arrested or social norms that could lead to us being subjected to violence. 

I have to worry about whether the gender marker on my passport matches how I am perceived. Does my health card match the gender the doctor or lab tech is seeing? Does my driver’s licence match what the police officer or bouncer will see? Does my passport match how the border security guards will perceive me? And if it doesn’t match, will this cause potential safety issues?

But what if intentions are good?

These slights can come up in the most well-meaning situations. For instance, when I do groceries, the cashier often ends the transaction with either “Thank you, sir“ or “Thank you, ma’am.“ They are being polite and are not paid enough for me to correct them, but it would be so much less draining to buy food if there were common gender-neutral ways to greet customers. Also, are there any women out there who actually like being called ma’am? Maybe we should drop that one altogether.

As a bisexual person, I also face biphobia, which includes all of the above as well as stereotypes and assumptions sometimes even from within the queer community. Bisexuality can be seen as just a phase, or is often defined by stereotypes such as promiscuity. And, if we are in a straight-passing relationship, we often feel invisible in the queer community because most people see us as straight when we are with our partner.

Some of these examples may seem small, but every one of them reminds me that my gender and sexual diversity are considered different and that this difference puts me at risk for violence. Timbits don’t physically hurt us. But how do we know the timbits won’t be bullets next time? 

What can we do about it?

Describing these issues is necessary, but the most important piece is taking action to try and make things better. As an ally, there are three steps towards helping with queerphobia: 1.) Believe us; 2.) pay attention, and; 3.) try to step in when you can. 

When I say believe us, I don’t mean that you have to believe every word that any queer person says. I mean that if we describe a situation as homophobic, don’t attempt to explain it away. Believe that these experiences hurt us, regardless of the intent behind the situation. 

When you are aware of everyday forms of queerphobia, you may start to notice them more often. Next time you fill out paperwork or respond to a survey, you may see that there are only two gender options. You may start to notice your own gendered language and start asking your new coworkers what their partner does instead of presuming everyone is heterosexual until they say otherwise. 

If you notice something that could be a microaggression, step in if you can. Send the company an email about including more gender options in their survey. Document the things that you see - film the people throwing the timbits, not the people being attacked. Afterwards, ask the people who were targeted if you can help in any way.

Don’t accept queerphobia in your own circles, such as from co-workers, friends, and family. Next time you see your cousin complaining about how it seems that every TV show needs to have a gay character, consider mentioning that most schools, workplaces or public spaces reflected in these shows also have queer people. 

I’m not one to advocate for arguing back and forth on the internet, but a quick comment can show the trans person in your life (or theirs) that there are allies in the family as well as making it less socially acceptable to say these things.

And I don’t think I need to mention that you shouldn’t throw things at us. 

And maybe check in with your 2SLGBTQ+ loved ones on May 17th.

Dr. Laur O'Gorman (they/them) is the co-chair of Fierté Sudbury Pride, former professor of Women, Gender and Sexuality studies, parent, writer, and activist. They currently work in the field of mental health. Let Me Be Perfectly Queer is a monthly column about issues that impact 2SLGBTQ+ people in Sudbury as well as their friends, family, neighbours and co-workers; why queer issues matter to everybody. O’Gorman uses the word “queer” as an umbrella term that includes understandings of gender, sexuality, romance, and families outside of what is most common in our culture. If you have any questions relating to 2SLGBTQ+ issues, please send them to [email protected].


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