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Responding vs. reacting

Have you ever contemplated that you are 100-per-cent responsible for your actions? What is considered self-defeating behavior? On the surface, we would define it as attitudes or gestures that prevent one’s desire for love, happiness, fulfillment and

Have you ever contemplated that you are 100-per-cent responsible for your actions? 


What is considered self-defeating behavior? On the surface, we would define it as attitudes or gestures that prevent one’s desire for love, happiness, fulfillment and peace.

And while this is true, according to psychologists Milton Cudney and Robert Hardy, it is also an action or attitude that once worked to help an individual cope with a hurtful experience, but now does the opposite, keeping a person from responding to situations in a healthy way.

To make changes, you must look at your reactions.

To successfully cope with a threat, we react to protect ourselves. These reactions are imprinted in our memory. Sadly, we tend to re-use these protective reactions when the situation only faintly resembles the original hurtful experience, causing damage to relationships that mean the most to us.

According to Cudney and Hardy, some self-defeating behaviors include procrastination, substance abuse, depression, compulsiveness, overeating and perfectionism.

It is important to understand these behaviors are learned — therefore, they can be unlearned.

What we know is that most of them are not the correct choice in most situations and they result in exactly the opposite response you are looking for.

For example, if you are feeling isolated or unwanted, an emotional outburst that in the past would bring someone closer (like a parent giving attention after a temper tantrum) will push those you love farther away, worsening those feelings of isolation.

The bottom line here is, what you send out, you get back. If you want to be loved, then you have to love. If you want health, then you have to be healthy in what you eat and do.

To change these self-defeating behaviors, change your attitude and then your actions. This takes some strength. You have to block the voice saying, “You can’t do this.”

Yes, you can.

Start today. Write down in a journal negative situations you are in. Write down what your reaction was and how you felt.

Getting some assistance from a professional that can look at the situation from the outside and see patterns, can help you in understanding why you react and how to work on change.

Reaction is based on emotion; responding is based on wisdom. Start responding instead.

Karen Hourtovenko, RN(EC), is a Sudbury-based health and wellness consultant.


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