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Prime: Have you found yourself ‘sandwiched’?

Longer lifespans have created a new demographic, the Sandwich Generation, caught between caring for their children and caring for aging parents
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Longer lifespans have created a new demographic, the Sandwich Generation, caught between caring for their children and caring for aging parents.

No, this is not a food column. Nor is it a restaurant review. This is about where you might be. It’s about your stage in life.

Wedged between young children, teenagers and twenty-somethings (or other offspring), and parents or even grandparents, you are on that conveyor belt of living. There you are, right the middle-ish zone. Gosh, you might even have grandchildren! The name “Sandwich” comes from the idea that middle-aged adults are "sandwiched" between their dependent children and their dependent parents.

It can be even more complex.

You might be late 30s or much older, though normally the definition is “a generation of people, typically in their thirties or forties, responsible for bringing up their own children and for the care of their aging parents.” As we know, we are living longer and sometimes we see four or even five generations all alive at the same time.

Dorothy Miller and Elaine Brody, who were social workers and gerontologists, introduced the term “sandwich generation” in 1981. It referred originally to younger women who were taking care of their children, but also having to meet the needs of their parents and others. It now more broadly includes both men and women who are even in their fifties and sixties. Merriam-Webster officially added the term to its dictionary in July 2006. 

Caregivers are often overworked. Many struggle at managing their time efficiently between children, an older parent, work, and maintaining a household. Their personal well-being often takes a backseat. Sometimes marriages come apart from the strain and drain. Personal care, and sometimes even feeding another, can be wearing. Oftentimes caregivers feel as if they are still not doing enough to help.

Caregivers can sometimes develop feelings of stress, burnout, and depression especially when they manage older parents who are experiencing Alzheimer's, dementia, or have chronic health issues. It becomes a carousel of appointments, visits to labs, and consultations. The circle gets tighter and faster after a fall, a hip injury, declining in vision and/or hearing, the loss of driving privileges, or any change in circumstances. 

Carol Abaya, recognized as an expert on aging and elder/parent care issues, categorized the different scenarios involved in being a part of the sandwich generation this way:

  1. Traditional sandwich: those fixed between aging parents who need care and/or help, and their own children.
  2. The multi-layered “Club” sandwich: those in their 40s, 50s or 60s sandwiched between aging parents, adult children and grandchildren. 
  3. Open-faced sandwich: anyone else involved in senior care. Usually someone with either no children or children for whom they are no longer responsible financially.

Speaking with Sudbury residents Catherine (75) and Vittorio Bortolotti (81) you discover they have a very healthy relationship and attitude to caregiving and aging. They look after grandchildren, plus they have a 47-year-old daughter with a disability who lives at home. 

“We have put things in place — including finances — so she will always be cared for,” said Vittorio.  

“Families have to think forward when you have a child with needs. Brian, our son, will always look after his sister… and us, while we are here,” added Catherine. 

Fortunately, Brian and his own family live directly adjacent to his parents, not across the country. He and his wife have been actively involved in helping care for Catherine during cancer treatment and more recently a joint replacement and subsequent infection.

In an interview, Sudbury Drs. Rahat and Sayed Naeem shared how their culture cares for aging relatives. 

“We are responsible for everything. It is our way in Pakistani families,” Rahat said, speaking about the effect of her parents deteriorating health. “My mother was bedridden for 10 years. I have a wonderful sister-in-law. She took care of her all through that time. I flew out often. 

“My brother’s family lives in Richmond, B.C., and now they look after my dad. He is 89 years old and has dementia. Yes, my brother has children, too.” Rahat demonstrates how technology is helping her know how her father is doing. “It is an amazing advantage today in being connected.”

For Jana Ray at CanAge, an organization thant works to improve the lives of older adults through advocacy, policy recommendations, and community engagement, told of her family’s journey of support for her mom. 

“My mum suffered a massive stroke … in her 60s leaving her both her speech and mobility impaired,” Ray said. “We wanted to have her home with us, but initially because of the level of need we tried long-term care. We were one of rare stories where we pulled her out. My spouse decided not to work but to be her full-time caregiver.  I became the sole wage earner. 

“At home we had a really strong 10-year run with her — the survival rate in long-term care is two to six years. Only 12 per cent of Canadians end up in long-term care. Most people want to age in place at home.” 

How we help them achieve this has multiple answers that morph and amp up as the level of need changes.

Are there resources you as a caregiver can access? Yes, beyond family and friends many municipalities, and other levels of government, have programs to support you. Your own health-care provider can make suggestions, too. 

Your faith community can also be valuable route to assistance.  Make sure you as the sandwiched generation stay well. As Rahat Naeem reminds us, “We do have to look after ourselves, too.”

Combine COVID-19 with aging and the impact has magnified the challenges. It shone a spotlight on how we care for those who cannot care for themselves.  

It should be remembered that caring for a loved one can be rewarding. Know the signs and solutions for making it the best time of their life and yours also.

Caring for a senior family member can have a significant impact on a caregiver

Here are some of the ways that caring for a senior family member can be stressful:

  1. Lifting, toileting, bathing, and dressing can lead to strain and injury for the caregiver.
  2. Caregiving can be emotionally taxing with feelings of guilt, frustration, and anxiety.
  3. Caring is expensive. Some leave their careers early to meet the needs of a family member.
  4. Loneliness/depression: The caregiver may not have time to socialize or pursue their own interests. 
  5. Burnout happens. Caregiving can be a 24/7 job!

What can you do if you are sandwiched?

Overall, caring for a senior family member can be a challenging and stressful experience. It is important for caregivers to seek out support and resources to help them manage their caregiving responsibilities and maintain their own health and well-being. This may include respite care, counseling, support groups, and other forms of assistance.

Hugh Kruzel is a writer in Greater Sudbury. Prime is made possible by our Community Leaders Program.