Lions and Tourists and Bridges!

My hubby, Laurence, and I recently visited some friends in Arizona - Elvie and Ian. We went on a number of auto trips, occasionally getting out of the air-conditioned vehicle to more fully enjoy the spectacular views.

Perhaps I should say “SpeCATular.” Everywhere there are signs that read “Mountain Lion Warning. Campers/Hikers! Mountain lion activity in this area has been high recently.”

And then you see a list of “safety tips for anyone who encounters a mountain lion or other large predator.” What they don’t say is that these massive, muscular creatures are at the top of the food chain and are “opportunistic feeders.”

This means, if you give them a chance, they will eat you.

Here are a few suggestions for self-preservation in the Sonoran Sands – and my weak attempts at humoring them.

-Do not hike, jog or ride your bicycle alone in mountain lion country. Go in groups. No worries, mate. I am surrounding myself with other sources of protein and fat – my hubby and friends.

-Keep children close to you. Observations of captured wild mountain lions reveal that the animals seem especially drawn to children.

-Do not – I repeat – do not teach your children to call “Here kitty, kitty, kitty!” with offers of Pounce.

-Do not run from a mountain lion. Running may stimulate a mountain lion’s instinct to chase. Instead, stand and face the animal. Make eye contact. What comes to mind is the song, “The other day, I saw a bear …” and it ends with “I caught that branch, on my way down!”

-Do not crouch or bend over: A person squatting or bending over looks a lot like a four-legged prey animal. In other words, “Do not lose continence or throw up!” Ha!

-Appear larger: Raise your arms. Open your jacket if you are wearing one. Wave your arms slowly and speak firmly in a loud voice. I can just hear the mountain lions cackling around my campfire as they crack open my bones.

-Fight back if attacked: Since a mountain lion usually tries to bite the head or neck, try to remain standing and face the attacking animal. I repeat, I can just hear the wildlife crowing about this raw tourist.

I am assured in the various pamphlets that mountain lions have no desire to get too close to me, and are just big kitty cats. (Very big feral kitty cats – the males weighing in at over 150 lbs.) They even purr – but a sign of contentment from the top of the food chain is more of a warning to me.

I’ll stick to the small domesticated kitties. And the only feline I had contact with (thankfully) during our Arizona getaway was Mizzou - Elvie’s and Ian’s Siamese-torti mix.
And what’s the conversation she is having with her fellow feline, hiding under the bridge of sand? (It resonates with the story of the Three Billy-Goats Gruff.)

Mizzou the little kitty-cat trip-trapped across the white sands.

“Who’s that trip-trapping over my bridge?” screamed the trolling lion.
“Just me,” said little kitty-cat Mizzou in a small voice.
“I’ll eat you for my breakfast!” yelled the lion.
“Who me? I’m way too small.” Wait for my owners who are much bigger.”
“Oh all right,” said the mountain lion. He let Mizzou go back into her air conditioned Trekker. (Silly troller - the tourists are staying in the RV).

Jan Carrie Steven is a volunteer with Cat Adoption Trust Sudbury (CATS) and the co-ordinator of Small Things: Kitty Boutique and Cat Adoptions. For more information, go to www.smallthings.ca.