Hi, my name is Laur. I am non-binary and use they/them pronouns. When I introduce myself with my pronouns, I often notice people reacting with apprehension.
These are typically very nice and well-meaning people who are likely afraid that they are going to make a mistake leading to embarrassment or awkwardness for everyone in the room.
I will let you in on a secret — the vast majority of non-binary people who use they/them pronouns know that mistakes will happen. And we are OK with the occasional mistakes as long as they are handled gracefully.
In this month’s column, I will give you a quick lesson on how to use gender-neutral pronouns and what to do when you make a mistake.
But first, let’s make sure we are on the same page about some of these terms: What exactly do I mean when I refer to transgender and non-binary people?
When we are born, the doctor looks at the shape of our genitals and tells our parents if we are a boy or a girl. When the sex we are assigned at birth by the doctor fits with our own identities — how we see ourselves and feel about ourselves — we often don’t even notice it.
For those of you who identify with the sex you were assigned at birth, how do you know? I’m told it feels so natural that most people never even have to think about it, but it has never felt like that for me — girlhood and womanhood felt like something I was supposed to achieve, not part of who I was.
For most people, that designation — male or female — still fits with how they see themselves in most ways. This means they are cisgender (‘cis’ is a latin root meaning on the same side). Someone who is transgender (‘trans’ is a latin word meaning on the other side) identifies as a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth.
It is important to always use the gender a person currently identifies with. So a transwoman is a woman and a transman is a man, regardless of how the doctor identified them when they were born.
As a non-binary person, I identify as trans because my gender is different from the one I was assigned at birth. I don’t feel comfortable applying the labels of man or woman to my own experiences. I have nothing against the terms or identities; they just have always felt like an old hand-me-down sweater that itches and is both too big and too small at the same time.
When someone calls me “miss” or uses “she” or “her” to refer to me, the itchy tag from that sweater rubs against my neck and I notice that it is perpetually too warm or too cold for the weather, no matter what it is like outside.
It just feels very wrong.
So why should using a person’s preferred pronouns be something you should know how to do?
Statistics Canada’s 2021 census collected data on transgender and non-binary people for the first time. More than 100,000 Canadians reported being trans or non-binary.
In Greater Sudbury, that means almost 600 people over the age of 15 identified as trans or non-binary (190 trans men, 145 trans women, and 235 non-binary people).
While 600 people in a city of 160,000 may not seem like a huge number, this number is growing as more people feel safe exploring and sharing their gender. For instance, the same data showed only 250 cyclists and yet we build them bike lanes. There are 600 people with degrees in medicine, dentistry, optometry, and veterinary sciences, but we would never claim that doctors don’t exist, no matter how hard they are to find.
What do I need to know?
One simple way to help trans and non-binary people feel welcome in a space is to pay attention to pronouns. We all have pronouns and use them everyday. Most people refer to themselves by she/her or he/him pronouns. For instance, “she forgot her wallet on the table” or he “forgot his wallet on the table”.
I use they/them pronouns, which may feel strange if you aren’t used to using them, but I promise you it doesn’t take long to get used to it. In fact, you are already doing it. If you find a wallet on a table, do you say “Someone forgot his or her wallet on the table” or “Someone forgot their wallet on the table”?
Some people try to argue that it is grammatically incorrect; however, the singular use of they/them pronouns is well established in English going back hundreds of years. Shakespeare uses they/them as singular pronouns, for instance.
If it feels awkward to refer to one person using they/them, you probably just need practice. Have conversations with a friend (or your dog or your houseplant — I hear they are great listeners!) where you speak about a hypothetical person or beloved television character using them/them pronouns.
You will probably make mistakes sometimes. This is expected — I sometimes misgender myself — there are three simple steps to making it right.
1. Thank you
If someone corrected you, they probably aren’t angry. Quite the opposite, they expect to see you again or would like to continue the conversation or relationship. So, if someone takes the time to correct you and puts themselves in a vulnerable position by doing so, thank them.
2. I’m sorry
This is the simple and obvious part; apologize for the mistake. I do not mean a long apology that draws more attention to the situation — this is what can make the mistake awkward. Don’t tell them how difficult it is for you to remember, how inconvenient pronouns are, or how bad you feel about it. Just say the words “I’m sorry” and keep going.
3. Do better.
You can say “I will do better” or “I’m going to keep trying” if you wish. Or you can just internally commit to doing better.
Putting these together is simple.
Situation 1
“As she was saying … i’m sorry, as they were saying …”
Situation 2
Me: As she was saying …
Friend: My pronouns are they/them.
Me: That’s right, thanks! And I’m sorry, I will do better. As they were saying…
Just do your best and apologize sincerely when you make a mistake. It’s that easy.
Laur O'Gorman (they/them) is the co-chair of Fierté Sudbury Pride, former professor of Women, Gender and Sexuality studies, parent, writer, and activist. Dr. O'Gorman currently works in the field of mental health. Let me be Perfectly Queer is a monthly column about issues that impact 2SLGBTQ+ people in Sudbury as well as their friends, family, neighbours and co-workers; why queer issues matter to everybody. I use the word queer as an umbrella term that includes understandings gender, sexuality, romance, and families outside of what is most common in our culture. If you have any questions relating to 2SLGBTQ+ issues that I may be able to help answer, please send them to [email protected].
