BY GARY DIRENFELD
With Christmas fast approaching, many separated parents are
busy planning how best to split the time with the children
between them.
Where conflict ensues and communication is at a premium, the
annual holiday divide serves up kids on a platter, carved in
half to feed parental preferences.
As each parent conspires to hang onto the tasty times, the
children get caught in the fray, learning of the shortcomings
of both parents. The ring of Christmas bells, slowly turn into
the cacophony of accusation and counter accusations.
Children seek to bury their heads, so as to avoid getting
caught in the crossfire.
When it appears there may be no safe place to hide, they run
and hide. They find their time is better spent at the mall,
with friends and on the streets. The influence of other wayward
teens turns preferable over the din of parental discontent.
It won't be who was with the kids first or most, or even at
all, that will determine these children's memories of
Christmas. It will only be the level of conflict between their
parents.
Sugar cookies will not be dancing in their heads, when as
adults they think back to these days of hostility versus
hospitality.  They may learn to believe Christmas is
something to be shunned, a circumstance that can put them at
odds with their partners who may seek to enjoy the spirit of
the holiday as intended.
And thus, Christmas can be ruined not just in the here and now,
but in the forever.
Further, children derive their sense of self, knowing they are
half mommy and half daddy. As one parent denigrates the other,
children then must determine, which half of him or herself is
bad. Heaven help them if both parents are successful in
denigrating each other. To the child, this can only mean they
are all bad. To whom does a child turn to when that child is
then of limited self-esteem? A pimp? Drug dealer? Other wayward
teens?
Separated parents duking it out over the kids at Christmas can
look at creative solutions to avoid spoiling the festive fun.
One parent can take Christmas Eve to morning and have the kids
switch at mid-day, and then they can reverse who has the
overnight on alternate years; one or other can develop a new
Christmas ritual, by always having their celebration on Boxing
Day, as if it were Christmas Day. The two week Christmas
holiday can be divided in half with one parent having week one
in even years and the other parent taking week one in odd
years. Parents can sit down with a counsellor or mediator, as
far in advance as possible and discuss each year on a
year-by-year basis, but out of earshot of the kids.
Instead of a memory mired by conflict, the children should get
to enjoy their time with each parent and family, concentrating
on the joyous aspects of the holiday.
Whatever the new ritual, children will come to enjoy it and
expect it. This will be part of their special family stories.
As a result, you give your child a gift keeping with the
season, Peace on Earth in their place on it. What better gift
for this season?
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker and expert on matters of family life. He is in private practice, writes and provides workshops and is the developer of the "I Promise Program" - teen safe driving initiative. He lives in Dundas. Visitwww.yoursocialworker.com.
