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Many associate Pride festivities with sexual identity, being gay, lesbian, pansexual or asexual, there can occasionally be a lack of information about gender, specifically, those who identify as transgender or non-binary — essentially, they see themselves as neither woman nor man.
With festivities hosted by Fierté Sudbury Pride upcoming, it’s an opportunity to discuss what it means to transition, and how that can affect day to day life.
Laur O’Gorman is vice-chair of Fierté Sudbury Pride, as well as an activist and researcher from Sudbury. O’Gorman uses they/them pronouns as they identify as non-binary.
They told Sudbury.com they knew in 2008 that the label of ‘woman’ wasn’t sitting right, and ‘man’ wasn’t either.
“I didn't have words like nonbinary,” said O’Gorman. But in 2012, that changed. “I first heard they/them and it made my heart sing a little,” they said.
It wasn’t until 2018 that O’Gorman decided to ditch the ‘she’ and identify with the pronouns that felt right.
But O’Gorman said that using the pronouns they prefer, and getting others to use them as well, is a ‘coming out’ that happens every day.
“If I want people to use my name, or my pronouns, like I am coming out every time I introduce myself to somebody and say that my pronouns are they/them,” said O’Gorman. “And you never entirely know the type of response you're going to get and that can be stressful.”
They said it’s rarely blatant or clearly transphobic, most often it’s well-meaning, but it hurts nonetheless. These small actions, called microaggressions, add up over time. Death by a thousand cuts is how O’Gorman puts it.
Microaggressions are indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group, like people who are transgender or non-binary.
They may be small, but they add up over a day, and O’Gorman said it can happen multiple times a day.
“On any given day, we can handle a certain number of things that might be a little bit uncomfortable, and microaggressions are often not intended to be hurtful,” they said. “But you experience something over and over and over again, and you may not have the capacity for it.” This is worsened by the intersectional aspects of marginalized communities. If you are a non-binary person of colour, you may face more microagressions, involving both gender and race.
It’s something that O’Gorman said many cisgender women might understand as well. (Cisgender describes someone whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with the sex they were assigned at birth.)
“On any given day, a cisgender woman might be able to handle things like an older man being condescending towards her, being interrupted at work meetings by men,” said O’Gorman. “Maybe there's some guy who's looking at her in a way that makes her uncomfortable and then she talks with a friend and they tell her she should take it as a compliment. Too many of these things really add up.”
The microaggressions are sometimes couched in support, but can still be difficult, like misgendering.
“I often get a really awkward apology,” they said. “And again, it’s very well-meaning, but it is so much easier when people avoid making a big deal about it,” said O’Gorman. “If you use a gendered word, and realize you got it wrong, correct it while drawing as little attention as possible to the issue, which is usually just a very quick apology.”
O’Gorman adds if you are corrected, offer a thank you, and consider it a compliment.
“Because if somebody corrected you about their pronouns, that means they probably want to continue the conversation, they want you to continue speaking to them and know how to do so.”
Of course, there are those who will have a problem with different pronouns.
“I get told all the time that my pronouns are grammatically wrong, because my pronouns are they/them, and they say ‘that's plural and it feels weird to use it for a singular person’.”
O’Gorman’s response?
“Well, Shakespeare did it.”
Children, who are known for their honesty, can also make comments. But that is an opportunity, said O’Gorman, who is a parent of two.
“Kids ask questions, and we're not necessarily very skilled at answering children's questions, particularly in front of other people.”
O’Gorman said they would be happy to help explain gender expression, but is never sure if it is appropriate in the moment. They offer this advice instead.
“Try to be as open as possible and say ‘because that's what they want to wear today, people can wear whatever they want’.”
Another issue is gendered public spaces, like bathrooms and change rooms.
O’Gorman said the experience can lead to fear: if they enter a women's bathroom looking masculine, there is fear expressed, even silently, by women; if O’Gorman is required to use a men’s bathroom, O’Gorman is the one to feel fear.
“The system is built and designed to work for people who fit into the binary, being either a man or a woman, and many of us just don't fit.”
A solution? Change how we view the gendered aspect of the space.
O’Gorman said a simple sign telling people to use whichever bathroom makes them feel most comfortable, or even, the contents of the room: one sign reads stalls, the other, stalls and urinals.
You can also be proactive about making transgender or non-binary people feel welcome and safe to disclose their pronouns by introducing yourself, and adding your own pronouns. For instance, after you say your name, you add ‘I use she/her, he/him or they/them,’ as it fits.
O’Gorman said normalizing the sharing of pronouns can make a big difference.
“I had a job interview, and when I was going in, I was like, do I tell them? Do I not tell them? How do I do this,” said O’Gorman. “And the person doing the interview just introduced themselves with their pronouns, and it made me feel much safer in that space.”
If you are unsure of someone’s pronouns, don’t assume them based on the person’s appearance. Ask, politely, and you’ll have no need to guess.
Also, once a person has established a new name or pronouns for themselves, do not use the name they had prior to coming out. “If you knew a trans person before they came out, maybe you went to school with them, or you've known them for a long time, just forget their old name or pronouns, get it out of your head, and don't use them,” said O’Gorman, and that includes telling stories about a time prior to transition.
It’s a chance to change the gendered aspects of speech as well. “Change ‘what does your husband do’ to ‘what does your partner do’? Avoid ‘do you have any brothers and sisters’ and try, do you have any siblings,” said O’Gorman.
It is also a chance for allies to help their friends and family. O’Gorman said a pronoun correction is often better received coming from an ally.
And if you are questioning your gender identity, or you are looking to support someone as they make their transition, you can reach out to local organizations like TG Innerselves or Fierté Sudbury Pride for more information.
Jenny Lamothe is a reporter with Sudbury.com. She covers the diverse communities of Sudbury, especially the vulnerable or marginalized, including the Black, Indigenous, newcomer and Francophone communities, as well as 2SLGBTQ+ and issues of the downtown core.
