Redefining the perfect holiday gift

Douglas and Louise Goulais will spend their Christmas Eve mourning the loss of their son, Tyler, who was killed in a car accident last weekend. It is a bitter irony that these parents will be taking part in the funeral of their son on Dec. 24, when much of the Christian population will be celebrating the birth of God’s Son.

And yet, as unfathomable as their pain might be, this extraordinary couple has chosen to rise above their suffering and offer up the gift of forgiveness.

Tyler Goulais, 24, was a passenger in the car driven by his friend Raymond Paul Walker, also 24. Walker has been charged with impaired driving causing death, among other charges.

“My wife called and spoke with his father, and explained that we have no angry thoughts against Paul. We just hope that we can ease his pain by letting him know that’s how we feel,” said Douglas Goulais.

What a profound statement. During a time of intense pain, the Goulais family has the grace and the strength to offer up this sincere act of forgiveness and, further to that, repeat those very words to local media.

Forgiveness is a powerful gift that is often forgotten.

Certainly the events of this year are testament to the reality that we, as humans, are quick to hate and slow to love.
The ongoing rhetoric among striking Vale Inco workers, the company, and the public in general, is a prime example. Every act or bit of inaction heaps further fuel onto this fiery strike (though some who have lived through previous strikes may say this one is relatively low-key).

At Northern Life, we are frequently called by many hopeless people who are consumed by bitterness because they genuinely feel they have been wronged. They call us to tell their story and ask for help.

Consider the homeless woman who has a history of sexual abuse and who cannot rise above her pain to make proactive choices in her life. Instead she struggles with addictions to drugs and alcohol, further exacerbating her plight.
Consider the mother who is lobbying for increased gun control after her son was senselessly shot and killed. She feels her arguments to those with political power are falling on deaf ears.

Consider the senior citizen who becomes the victim of a telephone scam and unwittingly gives up his personal information in exchange for a much-needed product or service — only to find that his identity has been assumed and his savings have been depleted.

Consider the disabled fellow who has been waiting, for years, to get into wheelchair accessible geared-to-income housing, only to be denied, yet again.

Life is hard. And for some people, like those members of the Goulais family, life can be acutely hard. It takes all one’s strength to carry on during tough times. Preserving that strength for the fight that really matters is what’s important. Why waste that strength on bitterness, anger and resentment?

“Without forgiveness, there’s no future” is a quote attributed to Archbishop Desmond Tutu. The winner of the Nobel Peace Prize and former chairperson of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission emerged as someone who was able to “articulate the aspirations and the anguishes” of marginalized people. Archbishop Tutu was asked to preside over a process “to heal a wounded and traumatized nation.” The Truth and Reconciliation Commission was established to bear witness to South Africa’s apartheid-era crimes, record and, in some cases, grant amnesty to the perpetrators.

The message of forgiveness was the cornerstone of this process that brought a peaceful transition to South Africa. The process — which focused on reconciliation and restoration, rather than retribution — was remarkable.

No one owns justice. Justice is meted out as best as it can be within the constraints of our sometimes flawed world.

We can fight for justice, with all the strength we have. Fighting for what is right is a unifying experience that bonds us during times of trouble.

But we need to be aware of the anger that can consume us as we soldier on through our difficulties. It robs us of our true strength. The simple act of forgiveness can free up boundless energy that will bolster the strength that’s required for a better year ahead.

Try it.

I know one family in Hanmer that did.

And I’m willing to bet their gift of forgiveness has already given them the peace and the strength that’s required to carry them through their grief.

Wendy Bird is managing editor of Northern Life.