In this month’s special edition of Let Me Be Perfectly Queer, Dr. Laur O’Gorman answers letters from readers on how to navigate the Christmas season, in particular obligatory family gatherings where things get uncomfortable at the best of times, as a trans person.
Dr. Laur,
This is the first time my transgender grandson has come to a big family gathering as a boy. How can I make sure that my house is a safe space for him? I’m afraid that I’m going to make mistakes or that someone will do something that upsets him. I love him and just want him to be happy and safe.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The fact that you are asking this question tells me that you love your grandson and that you want to support him, which is the most important part! A lot of people are afraid of making mistakes, but it is important to know that mistakes do happen.
The best thing to do is to apologize quickly and move on. Dwelling on these mistakes will only draw more attention to them. You can even practise ahead of time talking to friends, supportive family members, or even your pets. I wrote more about pronouns and mistakes here.
Let’s start with the physical space. Do you have old family pictures of your grandson that might make him uncomfortable? You can ask him how he feels about these pictures being in your house. He may be fine with it because that is what he looked like as a baby, or it may make him uncomfortable, in which case you should put them away.
There are even services that can change pigtails into a short haircut and transform a pink dress into a more gender-neutral outfit while maintaining the smile that you want to keep on your wall without outing him as trans to anyone new that comes into the space. The same thing applies to mementos with his deadname.
Ask your grandson (or his parents, if they are supportive), if they would like you to help correct others who make mistakes. I find if I am the one correcting people, they tend to get more defensive and see me as more combative than when an ally in the family does it for me. Make sure you, and everyone else, uses the current name and pronouns even when talking about things that happened in the past.
Given the current political climate, there may be difficult topics that arise. I think most families have that conspiracy-theorist touting far-right uncle at holiday dinners. You may want to talk to him ahead of time, letting him know the expectations; he is invited to dinner, but only if he is willing to respect your grandson’s gender.
Dr. Laur,
I am dreading going home for Christmas. I am non-binary and use they/them pronouns, but a lot of my family just won’t listen. What should I do?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this with your family. It is all too common and can be incredibly hurtful and frustrating.
You deserve to be around people who will respect you and your pronouns. You don’t have to go see family for Christmas; you can take a year (or 10) off of big family gatherings if that is what you need to do for your own mental health and emotional well-being.
Queer people have chosen family for a reason. Maybe there is a friend you can spend your time with instead? Or dogsit for someone going out of town and spend your holiday curled up watching movies with a furry friend?
I do have a few suggestions if you decide to spend the holidays with your family.
First, it helps to set firm boundaries. If you are joining relatives in town for Christmas dinner, you can tell them ahead of time that you will leave if there isn’t an effort to get your name and pronouns right or if they make you feel bad by insisting that learning new pronouns is too hard for them.
This one may be more difficult if you are staying with family out of town, unless you have another place you can go if things get hard.
One of the things that has helped me most is having allies in the family you can enlist to help. Maybe it is a supportive sister or a queer friendly cousin? If you have someone else sticking up for you, it can make all the difference.
Find ways to remove yourself from the space, when necessary. Run errands, walk the dogs, entertain small children, bring a board game to play with older kids — just find ways to be away from the people most likely to misgender you. I sat at the children’s table at family reunions when I was in my 30s because the kids are far more accepting than some of the adults.
Do you have someone you can call or text throughout the holidays for support?
Personally, I use this to find humour in really tough situations. I have taken bets with my sister about how many times I would be misgendered in one night (37 times at Thanksgiving dinner 2021) with bonus categories of who would be the one to get it wrong the most times (my family reads this column, so I won’t publish the answer) and whether anyone would correct folks for me (the answer was yes, my son came to my rescue a few times). Winner gets bragging rights!
Whatever you decide to do this holiday season, remember that your gender is valid and you deserve for the people you spend your time with to at least make an effort to get it right.
Dr. Laur O'Gorman (they/them) is the co-chair of Fierté Sudbury Pride, former professor of Women, Gender and Sexuality studies, parent, writer, and activist. They currently work in the field of mental health. Let Me Be Perfectly Queer is a monthly column about issues that impact 2SLGBTQ+ people in Sudbury as well as their friends, family, neighbours and co-workers; why queer issues matter to everybody. O’Gorman uses the word “queer” as an umbrella term that includes understandings of gender, sexuality, romance, and families outside of what is most common in our culture. If you have any questions relating to 2SLGBTQ+ issues, please send them to [email protected].
